I rode a mechanical bull on my way out of Ukraine. Not something I was expecting to do but this is the world race and I’ve been told since the beginning expectations are something to be released. So that was cool.
I was lying in bed trying to read and not sleep, which is never a good idea for me. So, in the few moments before sleep took over I remembered my Mechanical Bull riding experience. I remembered going around and around and after 1.45 minutes the operator finally got me bucked off (be impressed). I was pleased I lasted so long. I had a good time. I showed off my skills sufficiently. It was worth the $3.
I was sore from muscles I haven’t used in a long time. I was tired.
The operator said to get back on if I wanted to.
I said can someone else take my place.
He said No.
I decided to get back on.
What did I Just Agree To?!?
(I lasted about 5 seconds)
I’m back in that predicament. That shock feeling of asking myself what I just agreed too. That feeling of scared excitement mixed with jaw clenching trust that my Father has this.
If you would have asked me if I was looking forward to the Eastern Europe portion of the race at any moment from Kenya to China, I would have said not particularly.
If you would have asked me in Ukraine if I was ready to go home, I would have said yes.
If you would ask me today which month has been my favorite, I would have said Thailand, Philippines, or Uganda. But each month has a favorite aspect to it.
I knew nothing of Eastern Europe and it didn’t have the flair of it being Africa or Asia.
I’m living in a small town off of the one main road.
I’ve seen anything between horse drawn covered wagons and a yellow Lamborghini driving down it.
It’s common to see herds of sheep and cows cause a traffic jam.
I see rich Gypsy homes and small shacks.
I’m told in the region of Oltainia, Romania that there are ½ million people, spread about in 300 villages, with only 700 known believers throughout the region.
I feel a darkness that I can’t explain, other than my knowledge that Jesus’ name is not known here.
I’ve seen an old woman rejoice at receiving a bible for the first time and another throw it in the ditch.
I’ve unexplainably loved this place within the first days of arrival. The church here is turning my focus again from being a busy Martha to a worshipping Mary. I’m relearning to sit at the feet of Jesus with most mornings spent in prayer at the church.
I’ll be honest and say my thoughts have been on home and what that means. I’m excited to get back into nursing, the process of finding a place actually makes me sick but nursing is something I love, so that horrid process of finding a place to accept me would be worth it.
But God….he’s a funny one.
I’ve decided to get back on the bull, if you will. These past 10 (soon to be 11 months) on The World Race (the beginning of the bull ride) the long up/down, good/hard experiences; leaving me tired, sore, pleased with what I’ve done has been GOOD. Just a Good, Needed, Freedom bringing, learning time. The operator of my life (like the bull ride) gave me a choice to get back on, through my own prayers of asking what’s next, so when my squad flies home out of Bucharest, I’ll be travelling back to Draganesti-Oltand working with our contact here. With the children, widows, and meeting the need for a community nurse. This southern part of Romania has .2% Christian. There is a need in Eastern Europe for the love and freedom of Christ to run through this place, a need I was unaware of. If I don’t feel tired now, I know I will when I come back from Moldova, alone, and settle down in Romania until my visa and finances run out. Romania is not in need of me, they are in need of Him. When I am weak: He is strong. They will be getting me back weak, but apparently that’s a good thing.
I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know what these next 4 months until home will look like. Shoot, I don’t know what home looks like.
Please keep me in your prayers.
Pray for His provision. Specifically, that my monthly student loan payments will not increase (which they were supposed to do about 2 months ago and haven’t, woot woot!!) That a job would miraculous be available to step into when I get back to the US. Pray That I would have a community and a church to go back to wherever that ends up being. Pray that my current finances get me through to late September and home again.
Pray for his purposes to be revealed while I am here; whether these next 3 months are a starting point for future missions here or elsewhere or just meeting a need while I am in the area. I know God has big plans and I’m excited to be able to take part in them
Pray many come to know the saving love of Jesus Christ
It’s goin’ be a wild ride!
Recap: I'm staying in Romania. be home sometime in September.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.Proverbs 3:5-6
It is far too easy to dream It is far too easy to be flippant with my words. To say I want to go here and there; To desire to learn this and do that.
I dream of going place to place declaring the word of the Lord.
I desire to care for widows and orphans.
I dream of travelling from country to country.
To Argentina, Australia, Burma, Chile, Greece, Haiti, Sudan, Turkey and go back to Uganda, Philippines, and Thailand.
It would be far too easy to stamp my passport with 11 more.
I want to be bold like Paul and have/be an encourager like Barnabus.
I wish to learn to play violin, cello, piano, and guitar.
I want my hands to be skilled at woodworking, pottery, welding, and mechanics.
I want to till the land and give away the crops.
I want to transform a shack into a home.
I dream of paying off my debt.
I want to backpack the Grand Cannon, South America, and bicycle long distances.
I dream of working on Mercy Ships or acting as an agent of peace in War torn Countries.
I dream of flying helicopters.
I dream of a future husband, I dream of not being alone.
I dream of giving orphans a home.
I dream of working with diabetics.
I dream of educating and empowering the impoverished.
I dream of living in community and love.
Father, I’m dreaming of staying in Romania. And I know that’s not my own.
It’s far too easy to write lists of desires and never see them to fruition.
Father, it’s far too easy to live in dreams.
Father, I do not lean on my own understanding and I will trust you in ALL things.
Lord, There are far to many "I" statements in the above.
What, Lord, would you have me do? I lay this at your feet.
Here I am, send me.
There is a lot to write about I'm behind on the bloggin. Things like the country of Ukraine and Romania, the fact that one of my teammates has left for home, and my love for this country (and how utterly confusing that is). However, all that seems to come out at the moment is about mustard seeds.
A thought I had way back in Malaysia
There was a night I stayed behind to pray for the group going out into Penang to do homeless ministry. I started thinking of the parable in Matthew about how if you have faith the size of a mustard seed it can move mountains.
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
Because of this I started reading up on the mustard plant. Apparently mustard is extremely healthy for you and you can eat every part of the plant, but one of my favorite lines I found was a warning to home gardeners. It states: “It would be inadvisable to plant mustard in the garden or flower border. It self-sows very easily and might become a pest.”
He presented another parable to them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field; and this is smaller than all other seeds, but when it is full grown, it is larger than the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that THE BIRDS OF THE AIR come and NEST IN ITS BRANCHES.” Matthew 13:31-32
In Malaysia, I started desperately wanted my faith in Christ to not be constrained by borders. I want the knowledge and acceptance of what Jesus has done for all of us to spread rapidly and easily. For it to be sown into the lives of people I come in contact with every day.
My mind went to what it would look like if the seed of faith was planted (if the mustard seed was planted) if I allowed my small faith to grow. Unless you tell that mountain to move, unless you speak and act in the things you believe, what is the point in having them?
”In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” James 2:17
I’m not one for imagines and visions (so I don’t really know if that’s what this is) but in that upper prayer room I saw these small patches of mustard seeds (faith) being planted all throughout Malaysia. Then these clumps of mustard plants started to break up cement walk ways and roads. These plants started coming together over the broken cement and forming this massive reckoning force of mustard plants, connecting and intertwining; going deep into the soil (into the love and wisdom of God) so that they would not/ could not be pulled out. The branches of the mustard plant were also connecting on the surface indicating unity, safety and community. Moving and self sowing all throughout Malaysia becoming this force to be reckoned with.
Then I started to see these vines start going up building walls and covering buildings. The destructive type of vines that cling and weaken the mortar holding the building together that causes brinks to fall off and the building structure to be weakened. Breaking off everything not of God, breaking off the dark spiritual hold on the people there.
My prayer started to be for believers to plant their faith in the rich love of our Savior. To start rising up and breaking ground through lies, resentment, pride, and anger. To break through the roads easily travelled on, to break through to hurting people. Basically to be a destructive force of love, breaking through strong holds, restoring, redeeming. God is love and He is power. I get chills when I think of all He has done for us.
More will come on my time spent in Eastern Europe thus far. Home is fast approaching!
Something happened. I don't know what caused it but I feel the affects of it. I feel the affects of my selfishness and my pride coming in a full head on collision with love and grace. A lesson I seem to need to learn over and over again. I've been confused lately. About a lot of things about home and my identity and words I know I need to say but not wanting to speak them. My month in Malaysia with beautiful Lilli Walker possibly hit some hidden cord inside of me.
Take a moment and read her blog "A wedding picture" (http://lilliwalker.theworldrace.org/?filename=a-wedding-picture ). It speaks of the unworthiness I feel. The unease in approaching Christ as a bride (or even a child) instead of His unworthy servant.
Her picture of being in a white wedding dress trying to cover it in mud is all to familiar to me. I just finished reading Francine River's book "Redeeming Love" a story taken from the book of Hosea. Which speaks of the same thing.
How many times have I run from His promise of love?
How many times have I felt unworthy? been in a place I need to forgive or need forgiveness?
How many times have I stood naked before Him has He welcomed me home?
China was a good month and I've recently been rocked with my selfishness in this thought as I sit in Ukraine tired, feeling useless, drained, wondering what is left to give after a glorious month like China.
Do I miss it or Do I miss who I was there?
I spent a long 38 hr train ride to a city I was indifferent going to. A place I was unsure i would like, with ministry of working with an age group I never thought I would easily fit in with (college students), teaching English ( a task I'm not too fond of), and the suprise of becoming a stand in leader for the time I was there. All in all I was indifferent to China when I got there.
Something broke that indifference within a day though. I was met in every single inhibition I had about the above. I've never felt more refreshed then I did in my month of China. I worked along bold followers of Jesus and something switched inside of me dispite my spirit of confusion. Dispite feelings of inadequacy. Dispite it all, there was a side of joy, ridicilousness, freedom, pure elation that poured out of me while I was there. A gift.
Yes, I felt inadequant in sharing the gospel. Taking it on myself to try to present the gospel just right. trying to put simple words to an extravagant love (and failing), trying to answer questions I don't know the answer to especially in simple enough phrases a language barrier would not hinder. But I did it.
Yes, I felt inadeqate in teaching. But I learned to enjoyed it.
Yes, I felt inadequate in leadership. But it wasn't so bad.
Yes, I desperately wanted change in team dynamics that I had no clue in producing. Some how It happened.
Yes, I am still confused on so many things. That's okay.
On the train ride to Beijing after it all. I was rocked with the simpleness in the fact that it's not me. IT'S NOT ME AT ALL! It's no words I say. It's no action I do.
The sheep know His voice, He knows who are His and I became the luckiest girl in the train over hearing a sister come to Christ.
I was falling a sleep in the wonderous sleeper cars we finally got to experience and I heard a girl asking one of my teammates what she was reading. (The Bible). The girl saw something in us and she wanted it, so when my teammate said Jesus' name the girl said Yes, I want Him.
hallelujah! What a Saviour!
hallelujah, it's not me.
We had our 8 month debrief in Beijing. The biggest things I was struck with during that time are pretty simple but I beg for prayer I continue in them.
- i fully recognize that I place people in boxes far to easily. And when God starts answering my prayer so I can see people differently that I would let it happen.
- I was struck with the thought that it's far to easy to dream. it's far to easy to get lost in dreams and have no courage to see them through.
- That there are greater things to come. This is not the highlight of my life.
- That I would learn not to pick up my pride.
Love from Ukraine. See you in 3 Months (June 26th)....Woah.
This is me finally writing a blog, not writing a few sentences, giving up and starting over again. Surfing the net, watching House, eating dinner, watching the sunset or complaining about not knowing what to write about… these have all been my downfall and this is why this is the first you have heard from me in Malaysia. Having internet when I want it is not always a good thing. I figure since I have less than a week left in Malaysia before I head off into China I should give you an update. In China, I will be working with the underground church and for the safety of our contact and for ourselves we will not be on the internet meaning, you will most likely not hear from me again until I reach Ukraine. (Mom and dad I will call you before I go).
Our ministry this month has been working at a church in Georgetown, Malaysia that houses and trains blind residents.
We’ve gone in saying whatever you need done, we will do. For some, this has translated into re-categorizing the library and for others like myself, the tasks have changed daily. I’ve been able to dabble in different things they have going on - cleaning dormitories, taking down decorations, cleaning/setting up the room where they sell their hand woven baskets, ect. I’ve worked in the pastry shop, the pantry, the kitchen closest, the rice pantry, the laundry room, the dining hall, the computer audio room (putting audio books in a format that can be placed on CD’s), helped assemble folders (for every 1000 folders put together $1.30 is made), and yes, I’ve been in the library too.
It’s interesting to work alongside the visually impaired; I think I have misjudged their abilities in a lot of ways. To be taught more about computers by one or be served by amazing gentlemen who want to carry boxes for me or get supplies for me… I just have to make sure their path is clear and I don’t rearrange their things. It’s made me more aware of my surroundings and to the clutter that I leave in my wake. A welcoming smile just doesn’t cut it anymore.
Apparently the Christian organization is well known so many people get dropped off there by family or government, making it an interesting blend of cultures and beliefs. So, although I don’t have many interactions, the ones I do have I’ve never had at church. Some have been quite rocking, some sad, and others interesting and thought provoking enough to make it to my blog.
I was told at lunch by a 60 yr old man who lost his sight at 11 from measles that being blind is really no different. Trying to decipher if this is what he always thought, has learned to think, or he really has learned to be content in his circumstances is something I’m still figuring out.
Today while working beside an employee, knowing we were Christians, he asked me what church I’m with. I told him the last church name I attended but that I wasn’t with them, I came because of Christ, and that this group I’m with has many denominations working together. His next question was why Christians have so many denominations; it doesn’t make sense. I tend to agree. It doesn’t make sense, all these divisions. That was never what was intended and that’s why I tell people I come because of Christ and not a church body… not a Baptist, Wesleyan, Non-denominationalist, Lutheran, Methodist, etc (there’s just too many divisions!). I asked him how long he’s worked there and if he enjoyed it and he sadly told mehis old factory job was more preferable because there’s less gossip and more sense of community there. Family, there is something wrong. I know this was never intended either… Ghandi’s quote, “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ,” just played over and over again in my mind while he was talking about his time spent working within these walls.
The blind computer genius was extremely open with Ruth and me in finding out how he could be more desirable for woman. His heart had been crushed by a woman he thought to marry; being taken to her family home over Christmas to meet her parents only to have her father tell him, “If you were poor, I would even be ok with this. But you are blind so I can’t allow you to marry my daughter.” He, a Buddhist, and she, a Christian. He, thinking there is no difference, left broken-hearted and trying to figure out what love is. What he knows of love and all he had to offer was thrown back into his face.
The belief that all roads lead to heaven is extremely prevalent here. I’ve met a Buddhist whatever (“all religions leading to the same thing”), a Hindu Catholic, and I live in close proximity to 5 major religious gathering sites. I hate to tell you, but narrow is the road that leads to heaven and few ever find it. Faith in Jesus is the only way.
In other news, I recently watched the movie “The King’s Speech” and, placing myself in the prince’s role, I started to see a lot of things I was doing. For those that have not seen it, the prince has a stammering problem and the majority of the movie is the relationship between him (Bertie) and his speech specialist (Lionel). At one point, there is a scene between Lionel and his wife about pushing his patient (the prince) too hard because he recognizes how great the prince could become. His wife simply says maybe he doesn’t want to be great.
When the king dies in the movie, Bertie’s older brother is the only one who cries because now he is trapped into having to take the throne as king. However, his reign doesn’t last long and he steps down to chase after non-kingly things leaving Bertie no other choice than to take his place. So for his coronation ceremony, Bertie’s rehearsing with Lionel and they’re having an argument. Lionel is sitting in the king’s chair in a deriding fashion and Bertie takes offence to his mocking gestures and speech. He realizes his divine right to become king. He realizes he has a voice. That he is an heir and all the power that comes with that. This realization is not boastful or proud; it’s just factual. He is the son of a king.
I’ve realized I’m getting pushed toward a very vague unspecific “greatness,” or this expectation I have placed in/on myself to be great. Do I really want to be great? And if I do, great in what aspect? In Cambodia, I was being pushed toward leadership and vulnerability, and I was constantly being told how my words carry truth, wisdom, and weight with them. I recognize the weight and responsibility of those things and I got scared and wanted none of it. I’ve recognized that we all come to this decision of whether or not to rise up or step down and many times it’s either you do or you do not. I’ve recognized that I am a child of the King of Kings. Because of this, I have a voice, I am an heir, and I am powerful; and, without Him, I am none of those things.
The movie ended with King George VI (Bertie) giving a speech about joining the war against Hitler. In this molding and training, I do not want to forget that there is a war and every day I have a choice to take part in it. In the fight against myself and not wanting to take on responsibility I’ve misplaced the urgency of the gospel message. Pray I go on fire into China. I’m gonna need it.
My time is already quickly coming to a close in Cambodia. Already! Yikes, that was quick.
I was reading my journal the other day and I noticed the resounding theme in my prayers has been a desire to learn intentionality. To walk into a situation/ new environment and have eyes to see and a knowledge of what to do or what to say, to pursue relationship and not wait to be the one to be pursued, to bring the Kingdom of God, to learn to just be and, in my being present, enact change. There was a chapel service in college one time about desiring communion with God more than your competence for him… Basically, many times I find myself doing things for him rather than wanting to be with him.
In my journal I had the same prayer over and over again. Father, teach me intentionality. Father, teach me how to initiate. Father, lead me.
But of course God just doesn’t give me intentionality; He’s been giving me opportunities to learn it.
So I really shouldn’t be surprised by the situations I get myself into.
So I was placed in Cambodia. In a rural village 30 minutes outside of the capitol with rice fields and cattle and the only thing required of me is to help teach preschool which is over by 10:30… there’s a lot of free time left in my day.
My dad reminded me jus t to be faithful in the small things when I am at a loss for what could be done. I don’t know what great leaps and bounds I made in learning intentionality but God opened small doors for me to practice being faithful in the small things.
The first day I arrived, I started to help paint the fence that surrounds the compound with a group of Australians that had come (they did amazing work in the limited time they were here, building a structure for sewing classes, a playground for the children, volleyball/badminton net and painted the walls blue so it’s not so prison-like). One of the workers with Teen Challenge was helping and in his limited English he got across asking me where I was from. When I said America – recognition crossed his face and he then proceeded to make airplane wings with his arms and engine noises with his mouth then demonstrated a bomb drop and explosion… His perception of America. What was done by the US to his country during the Vietnam War. I swallowed what limited pride I have in America and quietly finished painting the gate. Welcome to Cambodia.
Two days later, the Aussies left and we were alone on the compound with six ladies who have been taken off the street, their 3 children, and a few Teen Challenge workers.
So in our abundance of free time, we walked… a lot. Praying over the land and the people we came across. We prayed for opportunities to show Christ’s love. We prayed for the country, their leaders, the poor, the rich. Other times we sang praises as we walked. On our walks, there are about 3 temples that we pass and yesterday we decided to explore one. Other than the temples being the main schools in the area, the temples themselves seem desolate and in need of some repair and general upkeep. I consider this a huge PRAISE when temples go un-kept, unvisited, and seemingly with a lack of worshippers present. It was such a vast difference then the tourist attraction some have been made into in Thailand.
In Thailand, spirit houses were everywhere with food offerings and incense burning seemingly present 24/7 welcoming spirits into their home, businesses, and in front of large trees. The spirit houses here in Cambodia are still on every property but many of them lack maintenance and I’ve seen very few drink/food offerings on them. I believe Cambodia is ready for something more than the ritualistic religion on Buddhism. I believe they are starving for love. And what little portion of Christ’s love my team and I can display has already greatly changed the atmosphere of this place.
Violence, negative influence, harsh words and mass chaos seem to have been the norm among the children. On a lesser scale, the woman acted like their children, all wanting attention and using whatever means to get any form of it. Teen Challenge is a one year program for addicts to come and get clean, to learn skills, and to learn about Jesus. The women’s program here is new and when I got here one of the ladies still had cloudy hazed-over eyes. There is development delay and scarring from self-inflicted abuse (cutting), not to mention the deep emotional scars these families are carrying. There’s beauty in cloudy eyes becoming clear, in freedom from addiction.
One of the Australians left his guitar, so probably daily (enough to form small calluses on my fingertips) I grabbed it and started playing. You bring out music and the ladies come, doesn’t matter that I don’t know any songs yet. I do know some chords so I’ve started to sing the Bible over them and although they don’t speak English, I think many of them understand at least some of it and if anything, they see the Bible.
I find it very humorous that if you help with anything you get the question, “You are boring?” their variation on asking if we’re bored.
Our walks have slowly turned from children yelling hello from trees or hidden places to them coming and greeting us with high fives and screaming laughter. There’s an older women who welcomes us into her home or hugs me every time we walk by; she might be the village crazy, but I like her.
Soccer games are starting to occur every afternoon outside our compound and the kids that have schooling are able to understand more when I talk. They know we’ve come because of Jesus and the stigmatism associated with the kids that I live with seems to be forgotten. At least for the time being, there have been fewer fights.
There are two spirit houses on our compound (due to it being rented) and at the beginning of the month I had a strong desire to take a sledgehammer to it. My thought: it has no place here. I’ve since realized it’s not my place to knock down other people’s idols. Only the owner of the idol can cut that tie.
The truth that where light is present, darkness flees is becoming more and more real to me. Change has occurred on this compound by the light and love of Jesus Christ and there is no other answer for it. I realized how much I discipline in frustration verses how the Lord disciplines in love as I watched the little terror that does everything she’s not supposed to run circles around our tent, screaming cuss words at the other kids, and touching everything she’s not supposed to. There is love in discipline and thanks to this little girl I think I got the message.
These ladies and their children still have many idols and vices to let go of but the year has only just started. Pray for lasting change, continued love, and more grace for one another.
In other news: Myself and all 43 squadmates have been fully funded or have monthly supporters getting them there! It appears I’m stuck with these individuals and I’m okay with that.
I’ve realized I have done a lot of complaining recently and haven’t told you at all about Thailand. I need to apologize for my last two blogs of homesickness and doubt, but also thank you for your prayers while I went through that. I went head to head again with choosing God over my own narrow minded thinking of “self preservation.” Basically thinking I could find security/comfort/contentment in a paycheck, in a job, in a place. Praise the Lord He won and has bigger things in store for me. I’ve come out on the other side of this doubt blown away again by God’s grace and provision even amongst my weaknesses. His grace really is sufficient.
God is just too funny sometimes. I apologized to my team and told them I’ll be staying for as long as God has me here and the next day my support account jumped from needing $2650 to $1200 and within 2 weeks it is now down to needing $139.30 HOLY CRAP! In that same day I received word from the Philippines that the amputation for my friends toe took place and he is already home with enough funds to help support him during recovery. “Freely I have received…”
God provides.
This whole month I have been able to see God’s provision at work. Sorry it has taken me so long to sing of His praises. He’s working: In my own life, in the people I’m working with, in the organization overall, and in the children I live with. Sometimes God’s provision can be seen in removal, in cutting away and in other times it’s seen in restoration.
I’ve been living outside of Chaing Mai in Northern Thailand for the last 3 weeks. Working with an organization called Remember Nhu, a home seeking to prevent child sex trafficking. Currently housing 8 boys and 80 girls - ages 18 months to 18 years -the homes have reached capacity and new land has been purchased to continue on this mission.
They have successfully prevented these children from the sex trade by simply offering families another choice: A different option other than supplying their children to the high demand of the sex industry. That is sadly currently happening in Thailand and many other countries, becoming a means to “survival” or a means to satisfy the lust of materialism (in families that sell their child) and sexual appetites (in those that purchase them).
I have been spoiled rotten this month by these girls and the other missionaries that are working at this place. Ranging from pancakes and surprise socks to elephant rides and cultural diners (really just delicious food all the time). I’ve gotten to sleep in the rooms of these girls, celebrate Christmas with their families that came to visit and ring in The New Year. The house parents reek of Christ’s love and many of these children come to Christ because of their example. It’s time for God to take back Thailand and it’s happening with each girl and boy that is prevented into going into the sex trade. Freely I received welcome, love, and hospitality. I was refreshed by brothers and sisters in Christ that are serving there through their generosity, wisdom, and encouragement. It’s seriously been blessing after blessing (future world racers pray you get this contact; appreciate the simple pleasures of life).
On the 22 acres that was purchased to build new homes we have spent many days, while the children are at school, preparing the land for development. The 800 tree orchard of Tamarind and Mango, the food machine for fish and plant growth are all being prepared for the future children homes in hopes to make this place a self sustaining haven for these children.
Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote of “Do not go where the path my lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” I wonder if he ever knew that people would take the literal meaning of this in a Thailand jungle finding more fruit trees with push mowers? Blazing trails in towering grass and thorns, with unknown hidden stumps, holes, and branches and in the looming threat of snakes. I’m honored to have had the opportunity to take part in the small things done for Jesus. Picking Tamarind, mowing, laying concrete, falling trees, painting fences the ladies team rocked it with manual labor this month.
I’ve seen the need for both short term and long term missionaries. What can be done when the body of Christ unites and Rises Up against the darkness. How long term missions rely on short term teams to do the projects they don’t have time for and reach the people in new ways that they were unable to before others came. God desires to use all parts of His body and its beautiful seeing the partnerships that are forming around the world.
When the girls came home at the end of the day we were there to met them. I’m convinced there is so much wisdom that comes from the mouths and actions of children. So far every month God’s placed them in abundance in my path. There is much more to learn from them. Jesus said:”Let the Children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you, anyone who doesn’t have their kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom Of God.” (Mark 10:14-15)
However we have left Thailand are now in Cambodia. This month I’m in the middle of rice patties in a small farming community working with Teen Challenge. I’m at the women’s site that was recently started up in Cambodia with 6 women and a preschool for their children. I’m asking for vision and patience as I learn to be a teacher for preschoolers (no small task). What can be done in a country with <2% Christian and I’m placed by all appearances in the middle of nowhere. I have already found myself being given a large amount of free time realizing how much initiative we will need to incorporate into our daily lives. The woman and their children are the main ministry this month but I’ve been drawn outside of our compound more and more. I’m asking for new eyes to see this community and a spirit to seize the day, Because Freely I’ve have been given, so freely I will give.
Loves from Cambodia.
Thank you to all my partners in this, I don’t understand it but I accept it…we can be friends:)
Please continue to pray for the many on my squad that still need to be fully funded.
Mentally I’m in a bad place of questioning. Usually questioning is a good thing but mine is currently driven by my doubt. My high preference and need for security is only fueling this doubt, as you know God I’ve been here many times in the past. This is nothing new, lead me out once again.
My question is should I finish this?
I’m told you are allowed to stay on the race up to the amount you have raised. I believe if my calculations are correct I’d make it through China with $12,105 out of the $14,800 raised. I have multiple logical scenarios in my head right now that say after China that if I’m not fully funded I would be okay with going home.
I’d be okay with going home. WHAT?!?! Why? Why am I thinking this God? This is ridiculous.
Have I really not let go of my idol of security. Why is this still a problem for me? Is this yet another lesson/opportunity to trust you or would it truly be logical to return to America when my support account runs out. Father I need discernment in this.
My need for security and the head you gave me and my own sinful self says going home early would be alright because:
· This would allow me to find a desired/needed new grad position. The possibility of finding one in July becomes harder and harder because by then those positions are usually filled. (but God I haven’t really asked you about that either if I need to go that route or really what route would be best so Father I need discernment in that as well).
· I have no desire to return to Indiana so to return early would allow me to have enough money saved so that I could move to whatever job you provide for me on my return. (This I feel like you have made very plain way back in Uganda about not returning to the things you called me out of).
· Returning home would allow me to find a job and continue paying off my college loans. That dreadful ball and chain that plays into every decision I make.
Just writing this makes me feel silly so I’m stopping with those. I know full well that all of those things could be delayed and I’d be thoroughly frustrated at myself if I did nothing at home while I could be doing this. That I would be frustrated at myself for not finishing what you called me into and I would be frustrated in the end with not trusting. Still sometimes that thought of going home is kinda nice…missionary business is hard God. But you know that.
One of our contacts shared with us this morning from 2 Chronicles reminding me to praise and thank you Father. So when I think back over the last 5 months.
You (God) have provided $12,105 by a vast majority of people, which humbled me over and over again. Never have I ever thought that would happen and you did it. You loved me through being a bad steward of all the gifting and opportunities I had to apply those gifts and celebrated with me when I succeeded. You provided safe travel in not so safe environments like African and Filipino traffic. You worked even through my bad attitudes, my lack of drive, my hoarding prideful spirit, and my judging thoughts. You are bigger than all my mess and you chose to work through me regardless. I can’t imagine why. I went around Africa preaching with sometimes no idea what to say and You showed up and taught even me. For every language barrier I’ve encountered – it didn’t matter, you drew children that needed your love and affection poured out over them. And I gave a lot of it by just being… by showing up. You turned shy, hidden, abandoned and hurt boys and girls into joyful, welcoming, sometimes disruptive, beautiful children (it’s a gift of the best and worst kind). You gave me a deep love for them. You let me be a part of people’s lives that I never dreamed possible, sometimes begrudgingly apart of and other times unknowingly apart of.
God you are crazy awesome. I know the past 5 countries I haven’t done justice in proclaiming that into dark places. I haven’t but I want to do better. There have been small moments of reckless abandon where logic in what I’m doing just doesn’t make sense but I know it’s of you and in those moments you’ve allowed me the awesome privilege of being your hands and feet. So God, thank you. Thank you for the warm weather. Thank you for providing fellow missionaries that we met along the way that have fed us waffles and pancakes and how you have used people to encourage and strengthen us. I in no way have this missionary thing down and needed everyone we have met along the way as examples. I have needed so much of your grace and have received it at every turn. Thank you for using each and every one of us in different ways and allowing us to influence those around us by the lessons we learn almost every day. Thank you for what you have done and promise to do.
Somewhere early on in Africa we started joking about being crazy and it’s just kinda stuck. “Crazy” became my name, the name of our driver, some of the children, fellow teammate. I started calling myself crazy (for some reason it helps with the children). But it’s not a joke anymore. I want to be crazy in love with you. I want to be crazy passionate for those that don’t know your name. I want to be crazy in love with your people (my brothers and sisters) and be crazy trusting you. God, there are many people on my team and squad that need the remaining finances to come in by February 1s t (now less than a month away) and so I’m trusting you in your wisdom of who needs to stay and who will go and where I fit in to that.
Father send in support for my team: Rachael Rittman, Ruth Blum, Laura Williams, Emily Butterfields, Kelly Jarvis, for Myself and for everyone else on my squad.
For however long God we have left on this race, use us. Wherever we are, let us be all there.
I love you Papa.
This might be the worst way of going about a support blog, but it's all I have in me. If anything please pray.
